So here is some food for thought...

When you think about it, being a chaplain is a lot like being a pick-up artist.

No, I'm serious. You can read a lot about pickup artists these days, or watch their movies. They never had to do what I have to do. I mean, there I am, walking around on my floor, I walk up to your door, knock once, and walk in. From the moment I walk into your room I have five minutes, if I am lucky, to get you to open up to me. Five minutes to let you know that you can talk to me, and entice you to do so. If I don't make it in five I can try again later but then I'll have even less time. Usually, if I can't get you talking on that first attempt, I never will. It's just the simple fact of nature.

Zero to Intimacy in five minutes. Most pick-up artists would laugh at you if you asked them to pull THAT off. They have all their rules, all their routines, but they take time, time that I don't have. You see, the difference is that a pick-up artist will normally approach you in a bar, or in a club. Somewhere safe, somewhere public. I have to approach you in a place where you are at your most vulnerable, your least comfortable. And I have to do it between all the people jabbing you with needles, or whatever the medical team is doing. So many people just want to look at one person and tell them to get the hell out, and hey! A Chaplain! I can tell him to piss off and he'll just do it. What does a chaplain do, anyway?

Truth is, more people need us than don't, even people who go church, or somewhere similar. They just don't know it. Same as they didn't know why their side was hurting so bad, or why their kid was throwing up so much. So here they are, with doctors and nurses giving them the answers. But when I show up, they don't know who I am, and most don't respect what I can give them. So they want to blow me off. They think it would cheer them up. THAT is what I am up against.

Any Pick-up artist worth his salt would sense that kind of hostility and just go on to the next girl, unless they wanted the challenge. Me? I just walk right in. Every time. It's my job. And if I can't get you to recognize how much you need me in five minutes, you won't let me do it.

Some chaplains just give up. They walk into the rooms, get blown off, and walk on, and act as if the act of getting blown off was what they were there for. They never get to do their real work unless something horrible happens, the trauma cases, and those are easy. It's easy to get someone to open up when things are at their worst. It's like picking up a girl on the rebound, no challenge at all.

But me? I like the challenge. I like walking into that room blind. I savor the five minutes I have to get through to you. That moment when I walk in and say; "Hello, I'm your chaplain. How are you doing today?"

Thinking about Grief...

In group today, myself and my fellow intern chaplains discussed grief and grieving. After my experience working with Hospice, I have a few things I believe strongly enough to pass on, and now, I'm gonna pass them on to you.

Grief used to be a pretty normal experience. People tended to die at home, and so growing up kids learned how to deal with it almost instinctively. Some were hit harder than others, of course, but in general people knew what they were feeling and why.

Then came the advent of modern medicine, and things got a bit cocked up. Sure, we were better at curing diseases, but death became a thing that happened away from the home, and children were shielded from it. And even with all our advances, people kept dying. Only now, we didn't know what to do.

Nowadays, most people don't believe that they are gonna die. Popular culture has told us that death really only happens to bad people, unlucky people, or those who make bad decisions. We, the general, run of the mill, basically good people, probably won't die. We've had our shots, we've paid our taxes, we don't hurt people, we'll be fine. Small wonder we don't know what to do when other people like us die deaths that don't fit into that moral worldview.

When others around us grieve, we feel bad and we feel awkward. We kinda want them to feel better, and we REALLY want them to feel better so that we can feel good about feeling good. So we try to "fix" them, try to say the magical thing that makes them happy, and if it doesn't work, we suspect that we just didn't say the right thing, and/or that their grief is REALLY bad and they need a professional.

As a kinda/sorta professional, let me tell you now. There IS no right thing. Grief is a wound that cannot be healed with a bandage, it only heals by being permitted to grieve. You can bottle up feelings for awhile, but eventually that dam will burst and those feelings WILL be expressed, often violently.

So go ahead and feel what you feel, and don't let anyone tell you its wrong. Also, if someone near you is suffering in such a way, make sure they know its okay to feel as well, that they aren't doing anything wrong. It'll be the best thing you can say to them.

Got a push on Facebook...

After my last post, is it a bit ironic that this blog got left by the wayside for awhile? Leave comments, they help me keep going...

So where was I...

Oh yeah. Recovering from St. Patrick's. I mostly behaved myself yesterday, and though I have a bit of Guinness Karma still working on me I expect I'll be in good shape come my shift at the hospital tonight, though between all the singing, shouting, and second hand smoke, I think my voice has dropped an entire octave.

Yeah.

A(nother) New Project!

Ok, so here is the problem with me if you didn't already know it. I am a highly creative person, involved in a great number of creative projects. Short stories, novels, text adventures, video games, songs, movie ideas, you name it, if it is a form of story telling I have had an idea at some point or another as to how to implement it. That's not a problem, it actually is a great way to keep busy. (You know, cause this whole chaplaining thing really wasn't enough to be getting along by in the first place.)

The problem is that projects are easy to start and hard to finish, and I rarely have time between my first moment of inspiration and the next to keep going on any one project for any extended period of time.

So tonight I was hit by yet another inspiration for a video game that I have started plugging away at. Yeah. The last one is barely even begun, and I fully intend to keep working on it, but in a flurry of creative frenzy I am going to get the next one started now, and that is, kinda sorta, driving me insane.

I love this moment, the initial rush of creation that comes with the moment of inspiration. I wouldn't give it up for the world.

I would, however, like to FINISH a project at some point.

I'm just sayin'.

Go Packers!

Sure, it doesn't have a lot to do with being a chaplain, but what the hell. Super Bowl wins are few and far between. Go PACKERS!

Now where was I...

I actually watched most of the playoffs in the Hospital this year, and it was a definite change of pace for me. For starters, answering to Trauma Pages meant that unlike my usual MO, Football actually couldn't be the only thing in my universe. I checked scores in waiting rooms between visits.

During the Green Bay-Falcons game, I actually had to flee the Cafeteria due to the large number of cancer patients present watching as well, most of them Falcons fans, and knowing me I'm pretty sure I'd rub it in their faces.

So I think I'm growing. That said, excuse me. Gonna go attack my Pittsburgh Native Dean of Students with Cheese.

Being Inclusive VS Being Generic

Recently I've been thinking about some of the things that we talked about during the didactic session regarding worship. While putting the service together, I did my best to avoid direct mention of Jesus, and settled largely on God and Father language. For the hymns, Father was the most commonly used word just based on what I had to work with.

This is sort of funny to me due to the fact that for the last few years such a worship service would have set off every major alarm I have been fitted with by Columbia, and the more I think about it, the more i feel it was a weak point of my service, not only for reasons of gender inclusivity, but because Islamic reading have several clear points where they state that Allah does not beget as is not begotten, and Father language not only would have been a tripping point for some women, but nearly every Muslim.

I think the next time I lead worship, rather than trying to put together a service that would be vaguely acceptable to everyone, I think that I will put together a service with some clear points of connection for as many people as I can manage. I think that this would be more spiritually helpful than a service aimed at "to whom it may concern" and that a few stumbling blocks are worth it if everyone has a couple more points of contact.

I am pretty bushed this week, and having just completed my Exegesis Ordination Exam I haven't had as much time to put into reflecting on CPE as I would normally prefer to have. Now its all over, I am looking forward to focusing back on CPE, Pastoral Care, and ways I can link up spiritually with my patients, rather than just hoping not to offend them.

Weekly posts, eh?

And this one just to procrastinate work on my Exegesis Ordination Exam? Yikes. What AM I thinking?

Primarily, I'm thinking that one of the larger components of this exam is not normally a critical part of my exegetical process. It's called the "Faithful Interpretation," an essay on the meaning of the text, with only the barest nod to the context I'm writing for. Apparently, for some people, this is hugely helpful, allowing them to bask in their academic brilliance before getting down to the humdrum of making that degree work for anything meaningful.

If I sound bitter, maybe its just because I don't have any academic brilliance to bask in, which is why I am in the 8th year of a 3 year program.

I HATE this part of the exam. Some of my exegesis Professors strongly recommend this step of the process but it has never once been helpful for me. I live mainly in context... I read the text, find the bits that are speaking to me, and run with them. The rest amounts to pre-writing, which any of my High School English teachers will attest that I only ever did grudgingly.

Did you ever have to do that? Pre-writing? I despised it. All those word webs and pre-essay essays that my teachers assured me would improve the grades I got on my papers. But I always got A's on my papers. What was there to improve? I just didn't think that way, and their process slowed me down considerably, to the point where I started writing my pre-writing AFTER the main paper, which was much easier, and faster.

So do that now, you say? AHHHH, very clever of you. Already done. Except that this needs to be concise... it is essentially a de-contextualized version of the paper, they want about a thousand words, and I ran out of things to say around word 500. For the love of God, there are only 11 verses I have to work with here.

Of course, this Blog is already at least 500 words long. Maybe Anger fuels the beast...

Worshiping with Miracles

So this past Sunday I led my first worship service at the Hospital.

Interfaith worship services are interesting. Given that I am in Atlanta, GA, it is usually safe to assume that most attenders will be Christian, but that does not eliminate the possibility of others attending as well. We have patients of all faith backgrounds, and for many, our Sunday morning services are the only worship venue they can reasonably get to.

The lion's share of the congregation on any given Sunday consists of folks from the Rehab wing, people who have been around for awhile, sometimes months, and have built a sense of community. They come, often with their families, and quite regularly with their nurses. Sometimes they'll come down with a physical therapist who will do their work while the patient sits there. Most of the equipment is modular, and so you'll have beeping monitors, IV drips, suction machines...

All in all, its a pretty interesting worship venue.

It is in the midst of all of this that the chaplain must put together a worship service that is accessible to people from any faith background, but still a meaningful act of worship. You tend to go back to basics for this. The Hebrew Scriptures are a good place to start, given that they are revered by two faiths and honored by three. Prayers speaking to the power of God and of Love are usually strong to. The Hebrew Shema knocks the requirement out of the park. You talk less about the face of God and more on the power and love of God as it relates to the context you're standing in.

Oh, and you can't just wing it, basing what you say on who shows up. Sunday services are run by the on-call chaplain, and it is entirely possible that you could get called to the Emergency room during the service. If that happens, one of the music therapists (your musicians) will take over in a pinch, but she needs to know what to do next, and her training wasn't in liturgy. It all sounds like a nightmare to plan. It did to me. And it was.

But then I got there, and I found myself talking to people who are, all of them, in the midst of crisis. They are hurting, tired, and scared, and in that context they sought God, God's love. They sought not only prayers for their conditions but to pray for the conditions of others, which for some of them was the only power they had. They did it happily, joyfully, and worshiped God together, regardless of what those around them thought of when presented with the word "God." They were hurting, they were seeking, they were finding. They were miracles.

And I got to lead 'em in worship.

Chart, or it didn't Happen.

Before you ask, no, this didn't happen. (I never charted.) And also, for those of you who are curious, "Boo-yah" is, in fact, a medical term. Ask any nurse.

Sleep Schedule? What Sleep Schedule?

I really need to find a better way to deal with sleep this semester, or I am going to be bonkers by May. Last Semester my sleep schedule was far from normal (I was regularly staying up until 3 or 4 in the morning and then sleeping until noon) but at least it was REGULAR. My body got used to it and I felt great... sure, I was missing a lot of sunlight, but I was still getting SOME sunlight, and so all the chemicals were doing the right stuff. In general, I just considered myself to be on West Coast time. Could have gone all the way to LA and not had the least bit of Jet Lag. Bummer I didn't have any money for airfare.

Well, now here I am, with at least one night of every week (and sometimes two) being spent at the Hospital. I sleep with a duty pager that controls my life while I'm there, and when it goes off I have to call in. I am rarely actually needed, but I need to be available, and that alone makes sleeping a little more difficult, and so I end up staying all night.

As I said before that is not a problem in and of itself... I've been a night owl ever since I wrested control of my bedtimes from my parents. The problem is having to be up for class at the hospital the following morning, sometimes for all day seminars (like yesterdays opus on the computer charting system, there is a Chapsticks on Charting on its way.) that leave me wanting nothing when I get home so much as a nap.

Because of this my body has NO clue when sleepy time is. We have descended into "sleep when you can" mode which makes trying to keep any kind of schedule infuriating. Last night I couldn't get to sleep until 3 am... and slept in until 2 today, which leaves me with very little time to do anything but some small tweaks to the church website and this hasty blog entry before heading back in to the Hospital for tonight's shift.

"But Dan, couldn't you have maybe done some cleaning in your room and eaten lunch before going to duty night?"

No, voice of reason, I couldn't do all that, because there was more important stuff to do. N00b.

Some more Pomplamoose

I know this is the second music video from these guys I've put up here and it has very little to do with what I am doing either in school or in the Hospital, but darn it, I love these guys.

The Hopefully Unnecessary

I think one of the weirdest things about Chaplaincy, both in the hospital and back when I was a Hospice chaplain, is that if everything is as it should be, how unnecessary we are. Even if you assume that all the stuff that can land people in Hospitals and Hospices will always be happening, ideally people will always have appropriate systems in place to help them cope with everything life can throw at them.

Today on a nurse's request I visited a cancer patient and her family who were having difficulty coping. They hadn't slept all the previous night, the night after the diagnosis, and so when it was clear that everyone in the room was sleeping, I postponed my visit to later in the day. When I made it back, I was thanked for my visit but informed that the family's pastor had already been by, and that while things were hard, they were feeling much better, and would call me if they needed me.

You see, that's awesome. So few people today have systems like that in place. Sure, had I shown up a little earlier, I might have gotten to do some extra care, and so felt a little left out. (It takes a while for some nurses to trust Chaplains, and I had really wanted to make good on that visit.) But what was really important was that spiritual care was in place for this family, and they knew now how to reach me or another staff chaplain if something came up.

So, I finished my rounds (all good so far, but don't use the "q" word,) and came back to the office with some pretty boring charting to do. Chaplains are here for when all is not as it should be, for the families that don't have those systems in place, or do but can't access them. At best we are available for relief care, picking up the slack whenever the regular spiritual supporters can't be there.

If you'll forgive the sports metaphor, this must be a what a punter feels like. If you're having a great day, odds are your team isn't doing very well. The need is there, and I am glad to fill it, but it will definitely be a check against me going into chaplaincy in the future, at least so far as medicine is concerned. Great as it is to be there for people when things break down, I think I kinda prefer to be on the front lines of spiritual care.

When I am, though, I sure do hope I have some top notch chaplains behind me.

Death and Chaplains

This doesn't happen all the time, but a lot of people assume that a Chaplain is there to give them the worst news. I'm not entirely sure where that comes from... maybe our "active listening" looks freak them out?

Code white!!!!

Just got in for my first duty shift and will be here indefinitely, depending on how the weather goes for the next couple of days. On my way here I was stopped by a Decatur cop who recommended that I go home unless I needed to be somewhere badly... I showed my hospital I.d. And was sent on. Bow down, I am official.

This made my weekend.

So far, everyone following me (Bless all three of you) are also my friends on Facebook, so this won't be anything that you didn't already know, but I am putting it here as well for posterity and because at the moment I am pretty much of the opinion that this really can't be shared enough, no matter where you are. Seriously, I am this close to calling in to local radio stations and trying to get them to talk about it.

Egyptian Muslims attend Coptic Christmas Services as Human Shields


In a world where so often we are told to view things as black and white, stories like this break our assumptions and force us to think twice about things we may have taken for granted in the past. It is entirely too easy for us to think of Muslims (Especially those in the Middle East!) as Christian hating terrorists. And they're not. THEY'RE NOT! They are provably not, to the point that they put themselves in danger (Extremists have had a rash of attacks on the Copts recently, including an attack that left 28 dead on New Years Eve) so that their fellow Egyptians can worship. That puts me in such a good mood, I think I'm gonna go out and spend this Pizza Hut coupon my church gave me for Christmas.

Tell people about this, when you get the opportunity. This is good news, blessed news, it's darned near a miracle. And if you're objection to me giving it that label is; "But Dan, they're Muslims," remember that all truth is Gods truth, and the first people to praise Christ without prompting were the Magi from the east.

Never say the "q" word.

There are a lot of lessons to be learned when one is starting at a new hospital. Every care area has its own distinct culture, its own rules and guidelines, but there was one that seemed to exist no matter where you are in this hospital... never, ever say the "q" word.

I have been here a WEEK and already that one is so ingrained into me that when a new nurse let it slip this evening while I was shadowing one of the Residents, and I flinched. After the Resident introduced me, she asked how things were that night, and he said; "Quiet so far!"

They came down on him like a ton of bricks, and everyone glanced at their pagers, just waiting to get called to some kind of traumatic event. It didn't happen right away, but not too long after we got called down to the Emergency room for an evaluation of a patient who had just arrived. After we left, we put a flag on the chart... we suspected we were looking at a child abuse scenario.

Never, ever, say the "Q" word.

About to get started...

I am about to go on my first shadow... Following a resident while they are on call. After that I am eligible for my first solo on call which while be tuesday. Freaking out a bit, bit I'll have a better pi true of what I have gotten myself into when tonight is over.

Why this education stuff is so important.

Assuming that all goes according to plan, in a few months I will have completed my requirements for the Master of Divinity degree. My brother and father both have these degrees as well, as do many of my friends. We are among the experts in a field that is tricky at best, which can be pretty downright frustrating.

You see, we are experts in a realm where people feel that their opinions are just as valid as ours, because the subject matter is so "personal."

I am one who likes to fling words around on the internet, and so I often got into debates with folks who would take pains to let me know that their opinion when it came to matters of faith was just as valid as mine. Its quickly becoming a rallying cry for America, bringing down the intellectual liberal elite by letting them know that all of our opinions (whether you are talking about health care, war, the economy, or religion) are on equal ground.

This is, of course, completely wrong. The misunderstanding comes when people confuse the validity of their opinion with the authority of their decision.

For example, I am currently working at a Hospital in Atlanta. We get tons of patients coming through every day, and each and every one of them, or their caretakers, have complete authority when it comes to their treatment. It says so, right there in the Patients Bill of Rights. While you can't force a doctor to treat you, you are completely entitled to refuse any and all treatment they might decide to prescribe for you.

Does this mean you actually know best? NO! The doctors have combined years of education and experience telling them what the best thing for you is. Nine times out of ten, what they tell you (particularly at my Hospital, we have great doctors) is the best possible solution, and even more often, it is a very, very good decision, even if it isn't necessarily the best. When it comes to your treatment, your opinion simply is NOT as valid as theirs.

I, with my colleagues, have been studying religion, faith, and theology for years. We have worked in jobs that have put our learning to the test, have taken internships where we learned from others so talented in what we do and say. Like the Doctors, this does not mean we will always have the right answers, but we have acquired the tools required to work towards those answers in matters of faith and the heart.

What you believe is up to you. Only you have the authority to make faith decisions for yourself. You may have access to any of millions of religious experts, and you will have to make the decision in the end. But there is value to the education, a value that means that when the facts are being flung about, you may want to give us a tad more weight than the guy who took a single high school philosophy class and now has all the answers.

That is why we go to school, and that is why what we learn is important. It's why you keep us pastor types around. You make the decisions for yourself, but if you're wise, you'll listen to an expert or two along the way...

One of my new favorite things...

I just saw this neat little video song collaboration with Ben Folds, Nick Hornby, and the Youtube Band Pomplamoose, otherwise known as the geniuses behind those neat holiday Hyundai commercials.

What am I doing here?

For starters? Trying to figure out this Blogger thing, which didn't let me actually write a post until I spent about an hour playing around with the settings.

This bodes well for a start to a blog, don't you think?

My intention for this Blog is to serve as a receptacle of my thoughts during what will hopefully be the last year before I am ordained, and possibly beyond. It's no good to think too far ahead, though.

For right now, I am serving as an Intern Chaplain in a Hospital in the Atlanta area. More than that I can't say here, just so there is no way that I will be accused of breaking patient confidentiality. (I don't plan on talking about my patients, anyway, this is just to cover my bases, legally speaking. HIPAA is vicious.)

I will try to make my posts funny, interesting, and poignant, though when push comes to shove I'll probably be happy if I can only achieve the second. Also, be sure to watch the "Chopsticks" page, which can be viewed from the link above, to see some truly amateur webcomics about Chaplaining from yours truly.